From full of shit to full of dreams.

Rare connection with a shrug to the heart.

2008-11-25T22:45:00.000-08:00

The humanity in the things they do, I love it.

Trust = Giving

I was thought to leave out humanity for my puny 23 years of age, people lie when they say emotions kill, so I had them murder for so long.

Thought which constantly flowing inside of me…

I guess I am the lucky few who can constantly come to realization of things.

Better put it to use. Make things less complicated.

I have some premonition thoughts flowing into the system. I see life as it will be, like a matrix. I simply have better angles. It’s a gift, I am gratitude

I have question, so I will have them answered.

I feel like crying, easing the burden around me. That’s not stress, just curiousity.

Knowledge, believe, magnificent world.

The world is very huge.

People see me as a promise keeper.

“It will be a tough but nonetheless a fun ride.”

I am a step closer to my achievements. Got to go do more.

Another lessons to myself.

2008-11-12T19:57:00.000-08:00

Be happy.

Always, and happiness will come surging in. Never compromise and you choose your thoughts Happily. DO NOT EAT HAPPY MEAL, MSG makes you DEPRESSED.

Be emotional.

Without sadness, the happy will not be happier…well you get the picture. Be passionate to thinks, used you emotional as a guidance system to sense through things. Make sure you do not bury your emotion and become a dead fish in the vast sea, people won’t know you. Humans are emotional

Be enthralled.

Little things, big things, (my little thing which can go big when stimulated included) everything that life have to offer, take and enjoy. You lived once, so if you understand this sentence, enjoy.

Be yourself.

Ofcos then you have to know yourself; know that you are infinite being and intelligence. Understanding yourself is the hardest so far. So make sure, you are clear minded and powerful enough to move on. Authentic is not just a word.

Be GREAT.

Compromising always will make you a compromiser, You com, you pro, but you are still a miser. I don’t like to make sense. So make sure you reach all the goals you set and go full force.

That’s all today, enjoying the office life as we speak, can’t enjoy anymore soon.

Lie.

2008-09-26T07:34:00.000-07:00

Never lie.

Tell the truth, it will bond two people closer.

Be authentic and never conceive any truth from your so call friend.

People are cleverer then they seems, and there is magic surrounding the interaction of two people when they communicate. So do not hide anything you think will jeopardize anything. It's hard, but that didn't stop anyone from achieving anything.

learn to speak of others as if he/she is there with you.

This life is gonna suck if bad things keep happening to good people.

Feeling lethargic and slightly fluster, wonder why my emotions fluctuate so much nowadays.

Have more friends then acquaintance. Call them out and share things with them. Do not let the society change you!

END OF MESSAGE.

Of loyalty towards friend.

2008-09-18T09:58:00.000-07:00

Most will implant a lot into you, detaching you from the flow. This is what they called stress. You act as a mirror and repelled it all back to them, ignoring them if given the chance, there is simply too many negativity in people around. I blame it to their upbringing.

Have enemies.

BUT even MORE Friends, and make sure you are very loyal and they stay loyal to you, so you can show them more loyalty and honest beyond facial value, there is level to things, calculate it and evaluate whether if it’s worth pursuing. Loyalty is a rare treat, so treasure them. I feel so many people don’t understand the concept of friends anymore.

Things are potent when innocent died.

It’s a dangerous game. Be wary and simple. Be mindful as always. Mistake is common, but never twice. Understand the rules. Learn the basic. Hurt is another level to grow. Teach and you will learn more. If things don’t turn better, walk away.

But most important forget the incident and remember the experience.

There is so much to learn, it wouldn’t mean it’s impossible to learn all, just take your own pace and learn at different phase. Knows the reason why, and the outcome so you won’t seems lonely. Give and take. The other side wouldn’t like things which come easy as well.

Summary equals to be real to your real friends.

Balance, dreams and action, compliments… ends

What defines man?

2008-09-15T08:56:00.000-07:00

Is it…

The moneys he makes?
The body and face he is?
The colour of his eyes?
The assets he owns?
The lifestyle he is at?
The home he stays?
The car he drives?
The watch which he wears?
The girls he brings to bed?
The loves he gives?
The friends he tries to help?
The mind which he owns?
The family which he cares?
The action which he takes?
The decisions he makes?
The ways he talks?
The ways he walks?
The respect he gives others?
The ways other treat him?
The emotions he feels?
The patient he portrays?
The intelligent he has?
The experience he was?
The pleasantry he reveals?
The gratitude he consists?
The fortitude he is?
The vision he has?
The dreams he achieves?
The chances he takes?
Or The determination he put?

Perhaps the list is too long to be ask, Man will always be man. I as a man hadn’t found the answer yet. If you know the answer please email me at mc_assholes@hotmail.com.

P.S.There is some negativity in me which needs to be uprooted.

of becoming a man.

2008-08-25T22:53:00.000-07:00

some told me something, lots of things.

Like how simplicity is the way to go, but achieving simplicity is the most complicated process there is.

I am fill with information, constantly without changes.

Words I used so redundantly as usual, Change, grow, live.

But it only make sense to me. I am melodramaticizing, dun bother this words dun exist.

Life is something which don't exist before us. We create, construct. and we permit someone to come to our life to destroy it, so we can create even more.

to tell the truth, i love life, i have challenge, beautiful one. I have my reason to live.

This feeling is hard to express.

Like something connecting myself, a certain reason which push me forward, yet i know behind it there is nothingness just pure blankness.

Life is bleak yet beautiful. Perhaps there is so much things i dun have yet which makes it so beautiful.

If i am there, then I wouldnt grow anymore,i am just me.

So if there is a lesson to all this,

Learn

Like you know nothing.

and only when you know nothing you can move forward.

this is probably so redundant and you have heard it constantly, i am doing it, i am a loser winning.

Hard fight but winning. JUST YOU SEE

Lego

2008-08-05T09:09:00.000-07:00

Lego.

Is like life,

we build,

we destroy

we build again,

we destroy.

Until something you really like come to the picture.

You cherish

For a moment

And it got destroy

You cry

And you build some more.

It never ends.

Until you grows up

Lego

Is like

Change

It never ends until

You die.

Revamping.

2008-07-13T10:33:00.000-07:00

Change, I love… It’s cumbersomely comforting to know that I am not who I was a few months ago.

This passion to grow- whatever you may want to call it is making me sense as I learn and listen more, do and try more.

I admire myself to be an aspiring writer of sorts, but when the feeling/emotions which cause you to lose your words…. Lost in the transition of the wanting to express certain feeling… that’s when you laugh at it…. Irony…

See I am not making much sense of things; nothing seems serious enough for me now.

Perhaps this mental will propel me to greater heights.

-Diversion of thoughts- I shall be more direct and straightforward.

Take this as an acknowledgement that I have grow, learn a things or two. I enjoy this period dearly, learning doing failing… that’s life I presume….

Something is about to change, and lets hopes it’s for the better.

For learning and lesson.

2008-06-09T18:04:00.001-07:00

If you would willingly learn a thing or two a day, within your life time you’ve would learn tens of thousands of things. And when you finally depart from this humble earth, to wherever you venture you will think life worth living.

You may believe in either of these two:-

-There is no life after, so live life to your fullest

-There is life after; there is a reason, so live life to your fullest.

However I see it, the cup remains inaptly half full.

I am optimistic, very, but can’t help but once awhile indulge into these doubtful thoughts. It’s what makes life uncertainty fun.

“I am afraid, to accumulate so wealthily in knowledge, where my cup is so overly filled without tipping over and let it share among others. I am afraid that I lived a life of self-absurdness thinking I am champion as I am not. I am afraid everything I accumulate will meet its imminent leakage.”

Still I let out sigh and get on with life.

Of life and life.

2008-05-31T04:23:00.000-07:00

I work to learned about life, life I learned about life. Life is fun and enduring.

Well, let me share a little of philosophy I learned in the pass few weeks. I would much like to summarize what I learned in a sentence or two, but that’s impossible as life is vast and endless. I am just a small speckle in this whole puzzle. I am just feeling rather ecstatically relaxed with life now.

“Life is rather just a game, failure and success matter none, as life just move on. Although life sometimes can kick you in the nuts and you will fall on your knees screaming, it’s nonetheless fun and worthwhile in the long run. Your reality is your own production, you take what you give. You are you and no one else.

Life is like dramas, and you are everyone in it, you play parts, you lead lives. There are no real you, as you are you and they are you. We are uniquely the same. The emotions can be up heave and down rush but nonetheless bittersweet in the end.

Life is all about chance, life needs your initiative.

Life is short, life needs guts, life needs balls, so be life and life is life”

I always start things which are so rather infinite to complete. Life is bigger then things which I can say. I am learning everyday and life is great, therefore I shall pause and stop and go live life.

Feeling good, emotionally good.

2008-04-07T09:45:00.001-07:00

Well something within trigger that switch to make me feel again, and here I am blogging about life on how I feel, how magnificent and splendid.

I feel weird when it comes to interaction with a particular someone, someone rather special which I have comfort knowing she wouldn't find this little room of self expression. I need to get it out of my system then only will I be cleanse off this sinister toxin. I have some awkward idea that I should confront her and let her know something she know, but rather I decide to keep my distant and play my old part.

Well, I really suck so fucking bad when it comes to that field. ( just read some of my old post, no doubt I will laugh at this in the future.) So I learned, I toiled I failed and I learn some more.

NUFF SAID!

I had talk to a close friend over a cup of chocolate and canned-drink yesterday.

He made certain consciousness to things which I believe I lagged, but I do wish him well, so what be will be.

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, AND WE AINT GONNA HANG OUT SOON.

TOO COMPLEX AND COMPLICATE AND LONG TO POST WHAT WE TALK ABOUT, or maybe I am just bloody lazy. hmmmm who knows! time to sleep for I just finish my air punching session... bye.

Loud shout.

2008-03-25T10:32:00.000-07:00

Just a loud shout of what's going on with my life.

Talk cock my strength now.

Job has been fullfilling.

Social circle is diametering.

Looks is grooming.

Life is interesting.

Dreams and hopes is mesmerizing.

Love is still drowning.

Bottom line is very beautifying.

Goodbye to youing.

Phase 3 is NOW!

2008-03-08T20:40:00.000-08:00

Body, mind and soul, just stay tune!

A reality check for my dreams (new year resolution)

March=30% completed, wonderful, excellent, magnificent, splendid!

Ma Desires!

2008-02-08T11:13:00.000-08:00

I desire a clear articulate conversation with myself.

I desire a more exuberant and vibrant energy around myself.

I desire a more freedom in action.

I desire to show the better side of me to the world.

I desire a constant energy flows.

I desire a better character, and part to play.

I desire Love.

I desire this.

I desire that.

I desire to finish, to end, to conclude.

I got destroyed!

2008-02-04T07:34:00.000-08:00

Like American army policy towards gay, its all about "don't ask, don't tell" and nope, I am not gay, not that I have anything against them, its just.... you get my picture.

But nonetheless I got destroyed, which surprisingly it's a good thing. It makes me feel again. Pain again, fun stuff!

I seems that politic arise here and there within my inner circle, as an aspiring politician I tried to hang on to all and make all likes me.

On the high note, I grew. Looks like things is working.

On the low point, I stagnated and stall.

It seems When I Became Talkative, my internet persona keeps quite, so goodbye have a nice week ahead.

Prime time.

2008-01-11T11:56:00.000-08:00

I am being sinister, manipulative and essentially naughty. Not that I want to but my slumbering conscious is awakening and momentarily it scares the shit hell of me, who am I kidding, WELCOME!.

Alright, that is the worst I will criticize, on the high note, I am enjoying myself, no responsibility, no obligation and always in my own head. 12 days after new year here is a few things I learned.

I have learned that as you change people change towards you.

I have learned that whats real is what you want it to be real.

I have learned that power is to be acquire not to be given.

Well, there is more that I learned, but most are so abstract that will probably blew people's brain out, so alas I will keep to myself.

New Year turning old, Same with me, so Better equip as much as possible before grinding on this gruesome journey called life.

Bloody nightmares.

2007-12-03T08:35:00.001-08:00

When the expectation of life differs so much from reality, you can't help it but sit down and think!

So much for my avid dreams of becoming a writer, why had I been trained by my parents to be so fickle minded! But yet again, what had been learned can be unlearned.

6 months passed since I last felt useful and productive, time flies even when you are not having fun.

~Fuck! I am feeling so fucking grumble today.... must have missed my masturbation session.~

The reason?

2007-10-01T09:54:00.000-07:00

Noticing that I hadn't done my emotion any justice, I decided to return to this post and give it another go.

”Death of the emotions, for the heart cease to beat and hovering here I am, like a dead man talking. My identities falter with the clashes of realms. I notice that the message flows from the brain but not the heart; it isn't that I am not proud of it, just that it seems my theory only resist the full embarking of the reader.”

I like words diarrhea the truth that people doesn’t know what I mean and try to decipher the meanings of my every words, arouse me. But to clear the thoughts, who really have the time? Everything is instant now, instant coffee, instant noodles, quickie… the status of living depreciate.

Yet I am a wrong of the time.

moc.weiverwies.www

2007-09-24T09:46:00.000-07:00

I have been so focus on siewreview.com that I seems to have neglected all my other Blog. So here is an update to my beautiful life journey journal. (weird there is a glimpse of "flamboyant" suggestion in my tone)

Anyway, life still good, doing things I like, which is doing nothing and surprising heaps of writing. I tried posting blog for money, but the end of the tunnel seems gloomy. Yet I toiled, and my ideas is like sitting on toilet while having a constipation(don't know why i say the things i do, must be toil rhymes with toilet)

Been making some PVC gun as well, let you know when I complete, might be selling them off to the mass, and a part of mcass will leaving. Bye.

Blowing bubble.

2007-09-08T11:34:00.000-07:00

Ever recall how when you were young, you blew bubble with your tongue? Recall how you coiled your tongue to produced a bubble with your saliva then, hold it on the tip and gently breathe it out. It was such a delicate action which seems to had an impression upon your little heart, or that it had tickle your emotions into believing that it is all perfect as it is and that you life is fun?

Well, and life still pretty perfect, still very the fun? I had thought my isolation has made me weird, some knowledge, experience which isn’t so typical or comparative to others, a form of uniqueness in grooming. This solitary imprisonment leads me to some new realization, somewhat of a shocker if I would express it too bluntly. Sometimes I feel unable to express myself, trap within and withheld even through writing.

I feel so complicated, so tangled up. Like a premonition of a to-be-erupt volcano. Then I think could I be on the right track? Some question like this only needs time to uncover…

Then literally a brawl broke out across the street, and my focus altered… I felt happier…not doodling on this issue. Hmm… they are still fighting as I write. I looked at them through my binoculars, and a weird feeling of self accusation of nosiness creeps within me.

So, A memory is sort of thing which always mesmerize me, I can pretty much spend my next 15 years recalling the pass 15 years, and then what? What would I be recalling, in the years after the 15? I always do wonder…

Declassified.

2007-08-23T09:28:00.000-07:00

I always regret after trying to express my current wellbeing. Whenever I do, I always feel vulnerable and “normal”… well, but I guess sometimes I do need to whine and brag about things; I am after all only human. LOL

So what’s up lately? Been back here too many days to remember, had nearly meet up with everyone I know. I must say, I don’t have much heart to go out since I am always content with my numbers of friend, I wonder could I compare myself to a wolf? Even though I know damn well wolfs travel in pack. I am just anti social, maybe you can call me stingy who wouldn't like to share myself.

The only things worth mentioning about what I did lately, is that I have been reading all kind of rubbish , from Wikipedia “the Doomsday clock” to the “Harry potter” series, and not to mention the rubbish Tv-series I would download and watch, If anyone would accuse me of under achievement, I would write a list of all the series and junk that I had put into my mind and let them be in awe…

Mum has complained that I need to go look for jobs, somehow I do feel the urgency to do so, but nonetheless the thoughts of being an “idealist” still excite me dearly. Still very much aspire to be a writer, though now have no clue where to begin. Yet I still believe in faith, (faith is for lazy people like me) so what I am doing now wouldn’t be a waste of time like how I liked to think.

Well, that’s enough ME to last for quite sometime, enjoy y’all.

When the full moon eclipse into a crest.

2007-08-19T05:38:00.000-07:00

"Just a mere while ago I've got full consent on pursuing my own selfish interest, now I've got non. I am neither depress nor heartbroken, as my passion has been rejuvenated by the glimpse of such challenges. I am only glad, as the pure gladness stream from the bottom of my heart. Insanity you say? I beg to differ."

My mum still support me mentally, while my dad ask how, my bro say why and my sisters say go for it. So the glass is still more then half full. And I have some decent confident I will pull through.

End of message.

The avoidance of working.

2007-08-07T09:32:00.000-07:00

"Many many years ago, in a hot everlasting summer of Malaysian weather, stood a lad in his 10s. who had developed a hatred for studying. And like most people that period, he soon was mold into a fun loving complacent spoilt son who read for the sake of reading only for his parents to see. He chose a rather unorthodox course, not to be a professional but to further his commitment of short cut taking.

5 years on and without tangible success, he soon turn 23, thats when he stops to reap what he sow and the result disappoints him. A guilt of inadequacy creeps into his palms and tremble his very soul. They he made a new commitment to further his studies, not to upheld the old constitution, but to erect a new one. And after confronting his parents for an inspiring idea on how to do so, a conclusion were drawn... he will go back to college."

Anyway, my mum agreed that I go back studying so HURRAY I can further avoid working! Now the first thing is to apply for Newzealand PR and get their cheap education advantages and privilege. Then jump straight in and never drowning... it's that simple. This time I will choose psychology as the weapon of choice, so if that ever needs luck, wish me.

It's a good day indeed, so goodbye...

Siewreview.com

2007-07-28T09:09:00.000-07:00

*warning*highly indecent pornographic content*
*warning*highly indecent pornographic content*
*warning*highly indecent pornographic content*
http://www.siewreview.com
*warning*highly indecent pornographic content*
*warning*highly indecent pornographic content*
*warning*highly indecent pornographic content*

Not fully functioning though, so some of you have to use your own imagination!!!

Blue, red, white and yellow Malaysian????

2007-07-21T07:07:00.000-07:00

Something strange happen yesterday. Out of the blue my dad called me and said to pick me up for registration in (future) Malaysia general election. It has been a while since I've turn 21, and I had been procrastinating since(I guess it's still good to be under the command of someone). My dad got over, I get change and hop into the car ready for some precious father-son bonding.
He decided to bring me to the DAP Seputeh headquaters for my voting registration. After one or two misadventure we finally reach the location. We were greeted by an officer there, and after some hasslefree form filling and chitchatting I am a legit (pending) voter. O!!How patriotic I feel.

I dunno how most of you 21-25years old MC (Malaysian Chinese)feels about voting? But I definitely doesn't believe in it, especially Malaysia Politic. Politics here seem so clouded, so corrupted, so fuck up.
Maybe democracy is just a dream up the very very high cloud.

But seriously I have no idea how politics work, who is good and who is bad or what's in between. I just like the underdogs, so I guess my votes goes to you know who. (Still I was wondering issit a real serious crime to tell people who you are going to vote? Please help out here, anyone who knows.) In the mean time, I will just wish and day dream what Malaysia will be if British hadn't thrown us out... and wait for the next general election.

P.S. Please be patriotic Malaysian and VOTE!!!

Frivilous or ardent.

2007-07-17T12:01:00.000-07:00

I have been well!. Resting at home doing nothing is a love hate story, best put at another time.

I dunno how to start, this may sound funny. And you know me well enough that I have a low tolerance of humor when the subject matter is me.

As you know I am often quiet if not silent, when it comes to meeting new people. I guess one of the reason of my "introvertity" is because I have such low esteem on my... well face. Somewhere, sometime ago, I really look at the mirror and saw all this scar which I isn't very fond of. So a thought flash through, and now I am thinking of ways to get rid of it. How convenient(I believe it ain't gonna be easy).

Since this is the 21st century, everything, anything is possibly easy to search for, especially with the internet. So I've come across this "chemical peels", something which I think is between a cosmetic products and plastic surgery(go look for it yourself). And Vola... I have my answer.

Anyway my point is this...shit I forgot what my point is. It's actually a question more then a point. And the question is this : So, does doing all this makes me anymore superficial then I already am? or, Is scar really a characteristic feature or a social disabilities?
I was actually watching lots of Nip/tuck(tvseries), and one thing I learn from that is that I don't have to live with it, right. (shit I better pull back before I get overlly emo)

I think I will just shut up (before this is real awkward)and make an appointment with a dermatologist tomorrow. It still falls down on availability, monetarily, ideology and afraidity. Me the ever impulsive being could drop this whole idea tomorrow if I don't act upon soon enough. So wish me luck. Until then goodbye.

p.s. maybe all this could be my inner voice shouting for action due to the lack off, since recently a fren of mine leave to LOS alone.

Job is jobless.

2007-07-16T08:30:00.000-07:00

I want to update, but it's so hard to dig up irrelevant issue to write about when you are all alone at home doing nothing. So I will just update something superficial about me.

This is the 3rd weeks since I return from NewZealand. And not surprisingly I am jobless. Not really eager to look for job due to this few reason;
1) Being a Monkeyfull country, Malaysia pay peanuts.
2) So much choice that I do not know what to work as.
3) Do not really know where to start.
4) Do not really feel like working

Part time job.

2007-06-30T05:03:00.000-07:00

I review my old blog and after being successfully manipulated by the "get rich quick scheme", I hammered down 7Usd (app Rm24.5) on this domain.

Http://www.siewreview.com

Gotta update something with substance soon. Its fun to write. bye.

Back.

2007-06-26T05:05:00.000-07:00

So many days has pass. So many beds left untouched. Damn right I back! Nice country, nice men and women. Excellent....

So lets summarize the whole trip of mine into this "pretend to be interview"

Mcass : So did you enjoy the trip?

Mcass2: Not too bad really, I guess heaps of mineut happy events sum up to one good trip.

M : So which do you prefers, Nz or Aus?

M2 : Definitely NZ, more cultural heritage there.

M : Does that means Australia has no culture?

M2 : Hahaha (evasive laugh), I am a nobody to judge a country like Aus, but Korean BBQ and "made in china" souvenirs isn't the Australia I hope it is. Furthermore Kangaroo tail meal and those aborigine's show is more of an adverts gimmick then a reasonable commodity.

M : Name some touristy spot you visited.

M2 : Goldfinger. The rest is just a footprint on the sand.

M : What or where is this "Goldfinger"?

M2 : At Melbourne's Kingstreet*, go check it out if you had the chance.

M : What about the people there? How did you feel about them all?

M2 : Do you mean the chick or the bloke? I have no interest in the bloke, but the ladies there is pretty much the same with what we got back home, blood and flesh, nose and mouth. I would be lying if I say they are decent, but downright critical to say they are indecent.

M : Gosh! what are fickle political correct man you are!

M2 : Yeap, I get that alot.

M : Tell me some unforgettable experience you gains out of the trip.

M2 : Like I said, nothing is worth remembering. But there was this one incident where one of my friend and I was casually driving around a small town, when one of the house caught fire, with my quick reflects I rush out and save the trapped family of 17 single handedly, my left hand was carry five of the 12 infants, my right hand were carrying the remaining 7, the 2 parents just stood on my head, while the 3 grandparents I carried between my legs while I was hopping out of the blazing inferno.

M : Huh?

M2 : Then I found out a secrets that the Vatican has long tried to suppress. Gosh! I am risking my life trying to tell you this. The 12 apostles actually turns into real life, beard abundance man during the nights, they will then suck a hole in the starry sky to create a vacuum so they can transmute with Jesus in heaven. And when the sun rise, Apollo the sun god will zap them back into stone using Zeus loaned lighting.

M : You must be kidding me!

M2 : No I ain't joking, Jehovah will then march his 6.7 million disciples blindlessly towards the stone. I mean, come on man, its a fucking stone! cant he being a god of all god give them something like a cushion for them to crash at? Why have it to be hard stuff? Doesn't people read enough to believe something so fanatically short sighted?

M : OK i think thats enough for today, Thank you very much.

M2 : No i ain't done yet, repent! repent! for the kingdom of god is arriving. Kill all those, Chop your left hand if your right hand sins. repent@ repent$#%#%!!!!

M : Ok thats it. (drawn out a .27calibre semi automatic)

Bang Bang

M2 : urgh......

the end.... thanks for coping with my lamenest. too SICK to think something with a TICK.

Denying the way of living.

2007-05-30T22:48:00.000-07:00

So comfortable with live, that i forget the whole idea of the excitement, challenge and obstacle tackling.

"Last lap on the race track, the condensation on my helmet screen cause my vision to drop dramatically. I don't have the luxury of using the split second to wipe the visor with my already sweat soak glove . In blurity I glimpse at the rear view mirror. So many cars are behind me now, some of them have the statement of losing print over their huge endorsing brands. I remember some of them, those are the special one which had a connection with me earlier, they had attack me somewhere on the track before. But where? I don't seems to understand..... FOCUS now, focus is all you need now, you are the first, and there is less then 10 sec to go... all you gotta do is maintain. And you won."

Anyway i got deny twice in working today, so bloody annoying, but anyway i wasnt feeling that well anyway so i guess its my higher concious giving me some day off. Been working really gloriously for the last couple of weeks, but isnt so smart though, i guess i had yet to adapt the rich mind. Sure i will tell you once i did. You are after all me, and me is you. good bye.

I Quit episode 2. The joyous tenure.

2007-05-13T06:17:00.000-07:00

Like all the job which i had the oppurtunities to backpack, it never last. Next week will be the week that I exposed my secret motive of quitting, and I don't know why I am so happy excited about it.
Maybe its because I had always like drama, always had the liking to see people reaction towards my action. I don't really know, but it's sure a fun thing to do. Rubbing hand, anticipating the very moment to arrive. lol.

The feeling of mine towards the hotel job is rather deteriorating, everyweek I am apparently doing the same thing. I am just getting lazier and lazier. (Did i contradict my previous post which i state that i am hardworking?) Anyway they don't need me that badly so i guess my quitting would be another hassle free problem on their working on folder.

My other work is a whole different story. Since me being an asset on the first day on, my quitting could make someone, well many one suffer dearly. You see, this place call burgerking are "supposedly" a fast food chain serving fast non nutrient food to customer. But the last couple of day (because of some inadequate management), much of its precious workers begun sending in their resignation letter. This action-reaction causes such a big fuzz of worker defficiancy, which in turn causes stressful and mess up enviroment to work in, which then like salt on wounds make the food even suckier and not to mention the service duration of a 6 star restaurant's wildest dream.

But whatever will be will be. I had to quit, and there is little realistic things which i can do to alter this fact. But since I being a compassionate and full of empathy mcass, and also that i like writing, i would write them a letter of appreciation/subliminary criticizisation to the management level there. I wouldn't know whether they are open to it or not, but thats one of the way for people to remember me, and i will love myself even more in the future.
Until then, have a great weekend

So Splendid never horrid neither morbid a little cupid non stupid my little bit b'day.

2007-05-07T08:32:00.000-07:00

0-3rd = no idea whats happening.
4th-15th = happy, the whole world around me.
16th-18th = friends, friends, friends, family.
19th-21st =whats the point
22nd= i like (borat voice).

Spent like 15 seconds trying to recall what I felt previously on all my bday passes . Not really any spectacular revelation, but nice to think back occasionally of what had happen to my puiny life.

Today my bro/sis throw me some minor b'day dinner.. we have steamboat. Food's good, drink giving me the wink. Even though I don't have much close friends (pardon my sentimentalism), and both them and my other close family are not here with me this time, i still feel the fullfillment of being love. It was good once a while that people gather for my cause, and its not even my funeral (oh no... morbid thoughts oozing out non entanglement).

Anyway, its my b'day so if i do have the wish i deserve annually, i wish everyone who wish me well are well, and everyone who wishes me swell are even sweller.... ok i am not making sense not adios amigo...over and out from the little love hotel... lalalalalla. good bye.

Nice life.

2007-04-24T00:19:00.000-07:00

What a beautiful time to be alive, what a splendid time to be coping with one's own inadequacy. What a marvelous time to be right pathing all the mistake that had been done.
So bored, yet so fullfilled. Why the irony? O, why do I bother?

Anyway.
Life is real good, but had been working alot lately. Didn't really thought i could be that hardworking.
You know, working in two places now then, flipping burger at burgerking in the morning, housekeeper occasionally, and also the ever dreadful lonesome of a midnight porter at the weekend. O, who am I kidding? I do like to be alone, I believe I had somehow unlocked the secret of how to be alone and never lonely, and the main principle of it is-well to be alone.

I guess one of the reason for my sudden outburst of light bones is that I see a point. Previously when I admit I was lazy( which I usually am) is because I don't see a point in my endeavour. Like college for instance, summit assignment, initiative of brushing one's shoe... all seems to pointless to me. Now I begin to understand a little bit more of such ideas.

[My apologies for having this fidgeting fickling unsettling mind, but I notice that my mind, atleast recently has fickle so much that I would walk to the toilet heads back to my room and turn towards the toilet again and remember that i am going to the toilet. Such action are also potrait into this challenge of trying to safe sail away.... asdiaurjasdtja sdasngdahdtas dthashdgashdgasdj agsjjjjjjhkdaskdgashj...... disregard the whole thing i am begining to lose it]

Anyway, my final message... life is an everlasting understanding of self. This is just a minor update to my puiny life- for the meantime. will get back to you when i have a bigger heart and soul. asdjfkjasdfajksdfhajk dasdf........ bye.

15 march.

2007-03-09T01:40:00.000-08:00

When i got to go, i got to go.
Kind of have the uncertain, anxious, curious, excited feeling that i long never felt before.

So off i go to board the plane,
damn! I forgotten my initial plan.
"just go dammit", i said in vain
see how it goes and make some friend.

counting down from today 6 more days. bye.

The Maxx!!

2007-02-19T06:31:00.000-08:00

Happy lunar new year!, been watching alot of junk and this "series" caught my attention. Pretty cool, which make me want to be a writer even more. Check it out.

Hmmm....get lost!!...in thoughts.

2007-01-30T02:59:00.000-08:00

Been really superstitious recently, not really "religiously superstitious" but more like a "if its here; cool, if it wasn't; better luck next time" kinda superstitious. In a way you may say that I am pretty much going with the flow(or even lazy if you are critical enough).
I also notice myself getting lost in thoughts one much many more times then usual. And I also notice that I start "noticing" what I am thinking one too many times. Weird you may say, but I know me well enough to have this self reliable consciousness thoughts. (oh shit, b4 I change into the person who writes item for http://theheartofmcass.blogspot.com, let me just get a hold on to myself a little longer)
So a short audit on what I notice has change in/out me; hmmm where do i start?, well I don't know where to start so as well don't start it.

Well, back to life now. Will be leaving to NZ by March 2007. Consider it confirm(ofcos you have to look into the factor of ticket availabilities and money loosibiliy"). But in other words, its a sure happen thingie. I will be there for 3 months jumping airOplane, and then head to AUS for like a week or two enjoying life.
.......
And by the age of 25 if I am still this way, then I will join the POLIS diraja. Who can really see the future unless that person is you seeing your own one. I think thats enough shit for today update see you soon. Good day people.

The anger management.

2006-12-18T08:51:00.000-08:00

For some unprecedented reason, i feel very angry this few days. Like some kinda menopause or PMS duration, I feel rather fustrasted, like something come out shot, something valuable to me that didn't turn out the way i hope or want it to be, yet i can't pin point it. Or maybe i could but just didn't want to admit it.

Should see a phychiatrist for the things i said... or maybe someone who gets me atleast. Or maybe i should just supress it and let it pass...

Arghhh!!Mental case!! let me just forget it and get to sleep. Goodbye.

I quit.

2006-12-01T06:32:00.000-08:00

HAhAHAHahaH, so eventually i quitted the bloody job. No kudos for my low limit perseverance. But I couldn't be happier.

So once again,
a free man
Hogging the lane
nothing to gain.

life back to those whining age, and i will continue to whine and whine and whine, so wish me an early luck for those whining. Adios amigo.

A merry holy fucking fuck fuck.

2006-11-29T04:16:00.000-08:00

My little blood pumping heart simply couldn't content the contempt I am enduring right now, so like what some one quite wise once said, "let me tip my fucking glass over and spill some fucking whine with it".-mcass

Is it really just me, or am the whole evolutionary society really overly cocksuckingly stuck in with their own fucking reality. Or maybe you could say I am a too god darn fucking egomaniac who couldn't eat people's poop bloody wholeheartedly.
OK i am going to just ignore the blabbing and fall down to the fucking bottom line which is "I fucking abhor this fucking job".
(Maybe "fucking abhor" is too dull of a phrase to used in this content, so let me modify it to "damn bloody sadistic fucking fuck revolting fuck dumb fucking fuck vomit whenever it crosses my mind, shit whenever it crosses my eye mutha fuck stupid fuck fucking retard cocksucking fuck hate this fucking *job")

Now, I am keen for once in my life to quit something , but my (whineful) friend advise me otherwise, he said I should stay and stare the mother fucking problem in the shrunk pupil. And put on even more stance to twicely annoy the midgetary confrontation. I have to admit somehow he makes much more senses then myself in anger, so the better judgement made the decision to stay in this * job. I am too angry to write anymore, right now all I can think of is the four muthafucking letters word, so have a merry holly fucking happy gay joyous splendid great beautiful day today. I need to go away, goodday. Bye.

P.s. * means , stupid asshole bastard celaka pukima hamkarchan fucking dumb.

A job which make me want to rob.

2006-11-24T13:58:00.000-08:00

Atlast got a job(not a career) out of courtesy from a friend. Time slot is 9-5 and pay is rm5 an hour. Not a really exciting job, but a job nonetheless. So work work work for the whole of one month for me. Wish me luck and not loses any limb.

I will be damned!!

2006-11-20T03:47:00.000-08:00

Health, health where art thou?, Just a recap for the pass 3 months and I had already been admitted/rushed to the hospital twice. Could I be just that weak or is there really something very very wrong within me, yelling for help now. I will be damned, cause I does seems to enjoy doing this again and again.

Some recap on what went wrong here, this time compare with the previous was less serious but all the same annoying. I got food poison!!( Due to embarassment the article of what the author had eaten has been removed). I wasn't really in much pain, but the 21 non-stop-hitz diarrhea is too annoying not to be notice, I shit from 5pm-5am that day! (what go-along with theme incident that happen to me).

OK up till now maybe you should pause alittle, cause me also dun know me talking what after having my vein stick with a needle and pump with sugar water for three days, which make me extra hyper .

But one thing I have got to mention, is the nurseS in Hospital Assunta, they all look so hot, (so hot till it is contageous and I kena demam for 2 days consistently, lucky i kept my cool and my fever got cure). It makes my encouter in the hospital feel like paradise, and right now I was wondering about the moral issue of whether should they do that, or else people like me will keep falling sick and visiting the hospital, then the fat suit people on the top of the food chain will go fatter, and wear some funny color suit, with sum funny looking hat, with sum funny looking diamond chain around their funny looking fat neck and name themself funnily as THE PIMP.

However, all things has both side, the down side ofcos is the bloody macoroni with cheese insane price. Since I am so "high" right now, I will start a quiz and let people guess for 3 nights in Assunta hospital how much I(my dad atleast) had spent. No price for correct guesser, but no punishment for wrong one either.

I am just too bloody sugar high to think straight, oh gotta watch house and quench my urge to play doctor, good day.

No go court.

2006-11-08T19:35:00.000-08:00

Guess what? I didn't have to go to the bloody court. What a boring life I have! I was so close to getting all fustrated and stressful, suddenly a phone call just settled everything. Damn! It could just be the greatest chapter in my life. But hey! I guess what's bygone is bygone right?. Lol.

Back to lil me assman's life story.

Ok, so you know, I have been slacking, and pointlessly starring at the wall for quite some time now, and today it finally hits me that I need to be more productive, so I've decided to get myself a job. Pretty cool huh? The story goes like this. Scene going watery bringing me to the past.
There is this day, where my friend hang out in my house, we were all like chatting and talking about future and all, and blah blah blah... suddenly I went on to ask my dad for a job!
It's actually more of a "intro me to an uncle business" type of situation but nothing is confirm now. However I really don't have to sweat since this "uncle" is my dad's friend he doesn't have a choice but to hire me anyway, Woohoo. I can't believe I pulled it off, So tomorrow I will go meet up with this "uncle" and request him for a job, how cool is that!.
I am going to be productive and giving to the world atlast,YAY, time for a party!.

I guess thats all that I have for today blog entry. So goodbye dear bloggy.

Go to court.

2006-10-27T08:34:00.000-07:00

Greetings to yall and welcome to yet another event of my boring life. But before starting off and read it, I will let you people to choose your reading, If you prefer easy and fast choose EntryB, if you are bored and got nothing better to do choose EntryA. Understand?, lets start reading.

Entry A
So after more then a 1/6 of a year slacking and starring at walls, atlast I have got something to mess about. It all started off with the moment my dad called me and ask me to check out a letter which was for me. The front of the envelope looks pretty much like any other envolope I have seen; pure white with a transparent plastic "hole" where you can see the name of the recipient through it, a little stamp mark on the bottom right corner which state "XXXX advocates and solicitors" and ofcourse a 30sen Malaysian post office stamp on the top right side.. My name is nicely printed in bold, so it obviously isn't a love letter.
Anyway, I ripped it open, pull out the single page letter and start feasting my eyes on the prints, trying to process it in my extremely slow mind...and after like 30minutes (more or less) reading up, down, left, right and also repeat reading of 3 times. It's very well written in english, but I read it as if it's in some foreign langguage. I didn't understand a thing except the sentence "we refer to the above matter which is fixed for hearing on 07/11/2006 at 9.00pm', I gave in and I just made up my mind that I am being sued and have to go to court. I rest like 2hours, ate my breakfast and do what I usually do in the morning before attempting to read the 4th time.
The 4th time reading was more rewarding, I found that there is a sentence with an underline/bold phrase which states "KURNIA INSURANCE (M) BHD. Without hesitation, (since I didn't have other choices except sit and do nothing) I called Kurnia Insurance. The conversation is more like a "i don't know what banana you saying, and you don't know what watermelon i am talking about". The operator who picks up my call just asked me to finds a phone number in the letter and call it.
So again for the fifth time I browse through the paper and found a phone number locates nearby the address of the Advocates and solicitors' office. So again with no hesitation, I called them, right this moment I knew I am just desperate to let someone tell me what to do. The phone call go through and I was attended by a girl... voice, it was another failure in communication, so I kindly says my thank you, and decided to go to Kurnia Insurance office myself.
I change into my going out shirt and took my dad's car to go to Kurnia Insurance office, my dad who are equally worried and since he knows the way there and I don't, he decided to go with me. We end up at the office 25minutes later and got out from the car. I walked into the office while my dad stays in the car, fearing the authority will give a summon for illegal parking.
I walk in, anticipating anything in order to have the puzzle of troublesome letter solve. The guard granted me my visitor's pass and told me to go to the six floor, everything seems to move smoothly with my expectation. Everywhere there is peoples(mostly guys) wearing a long sleeves shirt, mostly light colours and dark slack trousers. I tried my best to ignore them and focus on my intention for the day. Into the room I went, and was greeted by a solemn, indian guy in his late 20s. He welcome me without breaking a smile and ended our conversation the same way. It was a solemn ask-answer conversation, boring but yet I have gotten my answer, I was required to attend court on the 7th of Nov at 9.00pm and are to call my lawyer appointed by Kurnia Insurance 2 days prior to my hearing. And so there you have it, I have to go to court.

Entry B
I received a letter of notification of me attending a hearing on the 7th of Nov.

P.S. What the hearing is about will be disclose in future entry, be sure to come back and check it out. Bye

A car!

2006-10-15T07:12:00.000-07:00

After a mere encounter with a real drifter the other day(so very grateful to Tuck), suddenly I felt I am in love with cars again. And since I had earlier lost a car, I can now again dream and yearn of owning another car, YAY!.
There is a certainty I will get a car, be in the near future, or future future...but this time it will be bought with my puiny dollars.
So here goes the few car candidates which I had in mind.

Toyota Corolla Ke35.

The most realistic and down to earth car I want and could get, a so-so condition one only cost like rm1000, and no doubt the restoring will sky rocket to Rm5000+++, but eventually I will feel happy about it. Not the most beautiful thing among the 3.

1970s Toyota Celica.

My most love model among all 3, alot of American muscle car resemblance, like a Mustang or a Dodge Charger. A good condition, fully restore one could cost like 15k++ and parts is obviously expensive, a collector's item.

1970s Mitsubishi GTO.

Also a collector's item. Nice, but price is 20-25k for a fully restore one. Not really interested in this, but will get if the top two is unavailable.

*YAY!! after talking my dream, I can now continue my dream. Good day, and Goodbye.*
P.S. Sorry I don't know much about copyRights, So all your base are belong to us... I mean all photo belongs to the owner respectively.

Miserable me.

2006-10-09T10:31:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I really write seriously. Life for the pass two (maybe three) months has been really boring and miserable for me. Perhaps I was trying real hard to hide it all that I been writing like I couldn't care less.
I don't know anymore if what I chose is right? I don't know if my promise to my parents of going to NZ is a right move, I don't know to delay them (myself) till January before I leave is such a great idea.
There is just so much things in my life now which is terrible wrong, yet I don't understand why couldn't I care more to do something to change it.
And I can't seems to avoid those distraction like Tv series or mindlessly surfing astro, or even how I need people(friends) to be around me all times. And how I couldn't seems to enjoy time alone like I used to like them.
I just can't stop giving myself excuse for not doing anything, or not getting a better hold of my bloody life.
This is the definitely the all time high of my miserable level.

I need another break. A break within a break. I need to be alone, total isolation.
I need time to think, I need time to cool down, I need time away from all distraction and obstruction. I need to go somewhere again. I need to be me again.

Maybe what I need now is a self induce silent period, where I will abstrain from all forms of communication for a period of time, maybe a week. I need to regain back my thinking power, I need to cleanse my soul.

However, again this type of self isolation ceremony needs preparation, so I don't know when will I really be in the mood to do it. Whatever! Atleast now that I had written my thoughts here, I felt much more liberated. But yet as usual I risk myself from being humiliate by showing my thoughts to the world. And as usual I would say something like how I couldn't care less.

I got a "appointment with someone tomorrow, maybe the day of my "alone time will begin the day after. And If I don't listen to calls, or don't reply email, people who read this will know.
Maybe there really isn't anyone reading this, but yet again I like to do the thoughts over thoughts thinking.
Goodnight.

Bored hotdog Lord ,

2006-10-06T12:01:00.000-07:00

Oh shit, I have my fair share of alcohol and now I am frigging high. Still sober to type if you are interested to know. Another experimental writing I am doing now, never written anything before when am high.

Years and years I had been sober.
Waiting for my four petals clover.
Now, I had the chance to get drunk
And here I am no longer a punk.
Its like my mental already start closure
And already I gotten some believe for sure.
I really need to go with my funk
but still, I just got stone and I sunk.

dunno what this can be called, difinitely another shit doing of mine. i am really high, and i am just typing words on top of my head. gotta go sleep man, hope i dun get a hangover tomolo.

The awakening.

2006-10-01T07:06:00.000-07:00

Funny phenomena how I come up with titles.
Anyway my new themeless(yet) blog.
I doubt people will read it, but I will advertise it nonetheless.
http://theheartofmcass.blogspot.com/
And again if you really have such will power to read it, please forgive my fucking grammar....
llalalalala, i feel so happy now, dunno why? dun ask why?

The end of another era.

2006-09-30T08:16:00.000-07:00

Yet another bench mark is appointed. And so the conclusion to the full of shit era has began.

Mark my words, for I will never quit writing. Yet also forgive me for having no perseverance, not that this could leads me anywhere, but again I yearn to erect another shrine to glorify my eccentricity. I will keep you people update with my journey, the journey to uncertaintiness, the journey beyond the entrance of the shadowy cave.

This little public proclaimation page will continue, however I will no longer donate any else item except the boring event of my eduring. So adios!; from yet another alter ego of mine...

I am back, plain and simple.

2006-09-27T04:54:00.000-07:00

Yo, long time no see. I do hope my trip could have last longer, but my resources and energy are just so limited. I am glad I have gone, and I am glad I am back. Everything seems to be right on scale...ngam ngam. It was really a wonderful trip, all my expectation are met, or even surpass.
As usual all the thoughts and ideas that had followed me at that particular time, seem to be gone by now, so sorry I couldn't share more at this moment. I thought I could have bring along with me a journal, and jolt down every event I have to endure, but it has not happen.
So let this just be a message, a notification of my return, and like always I would promise to share more, soon enough when i regain my energy. So HI and BYE, as I would like to head to my lullaby.

p.s. I feel my grammar suddenly got so problematic... I dunno why, hope its just a mistake from my guts sense. Or that it could always had been this problematic... hmmm... who to tell O who to tell???

Greeting from Pahang.

2006-09-22T08:43:00.000-07:00

I am literally stuck in Mentakab(Pahang). My plan just got side track alittle, everything else move smoothly though. The main reason i think my plan got side track in because i didn't put "sold out" into consideration. If you cant imagine my situation just think of the movie "THE TERMINAL", then you will have a rough idea of what states i am in now.

Condition-sleepy, cant think straight, cant think, cant think, cant think... so....

Dont want to disclose much, i would still prefer to remain the mystic of my trip.

Project Walkabout.

2006-09-18T07:03:00.000-07:00

In four days time I will travel to the very edge of this world(Malaysia) and for once play the role of a searcher, searching something... of great impotent to others, but of great value to me and me only.
My emotions will be the solitary clue leading my journey. And with much sanguine expectations will I find what I have sworn to conquer. Thus, I bid thee farewell, and will thoughts lead me back and catch up with you again? That will be another question.

Anyway, the actual date of my leaving will be the 22nd of September(Friday). And where will I be heading to? I have no idea, it is afterall a mindless travel, and so far there is already three members of my family condemning the very essense of the idea. But alas, for my head is too stern to listen to their great and humble knowledge, and as always, only god knows what troubles or "experiences" will I attend to this very time.
So wish me luck(I wish) to a wonderful and fruitful sole soul searching journey. Once again goodbye and I hope can let you hear from me soon. BYE

Teaser ad.

2006-09-14T07:04:00.000-07:00

And thus Project Walkabout has begun...

Come back soon for more infomation.

The great oracle.

2006-09-06T21:17:00.000-07:00

At long last, I have a breakthrough... again my very mind dreams, most vividly. And as today permits I would like to state out this greatly peculiar dream, to me atleast. And try to investigates of the implications it burrow.

shit!!! there i goes again... thinking i am some langguage genious!!!

Anyway i did have some most peculiar dream. And I would like to "share" it, who knows what meaning it will bring?
As a matter of fact I have 3 dreams which i remember so well, 3 recent dreams, 3 dreams which i think meant something. However the first dream I had could be my subconcious telling my concious how he likes the tv series HOUSE season 2 finale.

Dream one.
This dream happen today. I dun remember much, only remember one particular scene.
I was looking up/straight(My point of view is level with the great tree) and saw rows and rows of "christian"(not really sure who they are) hanging on it, dead(if i could remember clearly).
And one of the person which got hang, wore a t-shirt which I remembered there is two verse on it. One of the verse stated "God doesn't fallacy it's(not sure) creation". The second i don't remember. And I thought people can't read in dream...

Dream two.
I was with a bunch of old frens, those who I got to know when I was working as a VCD peddlar.
we were in a car driving, I was driving. -( I forgotten what happen next) Then the car roll facing back down a hill, the emergency break was broken, I ran down of the car and tried pushing the car.
I think i sliped, and my hand was handcuffed to the sterling wheels( dun really remember this part). So now i am hanging outside the car with the car rolling back. The car hit a divider and stop moving. All sudden came a dog, a big dog (dunno what breed) and it bit my armpit(I remember this part the clearest) then I woke up.

Dream three
I dreamed i was dead, then I know I was dreaming. I tried to woke up, can't so i again thought i was dead.

MESSAGE SENT GOOD BYE!

Do not feel sad, my child.

2006-08-31T11:35:00.000-07:00

But first, my condolence to you, for this layout makes me write most splendour and I am not at all remorse about the fact. I would not like to beg you for bearing this chest pain to continue cosuming my words. For always remember you still own the resolution of walking away from this vile. I promise, I would put this insurgency with some other recents abstracts doing of mine off; to somewhere more worthwhile, more fertile. I am not shadowing myself, but think the ground of this place is a bit futile.
My self righteous level could only reach such, then will I, like any mortal let the feeling of flush overcome the better of me.
Thus I will quote that my own work as pointless except as a remedy of keeping thin and staying in weight, for you will throw out the very essence of the nutrition you had taken earlier.
Again be warn my friend, for I will make no sense out of this nonsense that my mind is producing....

Do not feel sad, my child. For who really cares?.
Except you and you only should these pains be bear.
Scream when you are alone!, cry when you are scare,
You are a baby forever, you forever naked and bare
It's nature's will to be scared, its ok that you don't dare.
Just break down and drunk weep to the God of despair,
Run away my child!, run with haze! back to your snare.
This world you have nothing, you have no home no lair.
Forever know this, my child, that the world is never fair.

Ah, like everytime words spill from me, my heart would lighten. It never fails. Maybe its only this very hour that Ii understood the meaning why I like to write so much. I simply am too full of grudges, and now hopefully inch by inch will I enjoy the duration of egg split once a while.
I hate of being the perfect vulnerable and playing this role of an modest gentlemen by always apologising my action. Thus I will never again and once in a while be a total cramp distractful feeling for your lower body. But please do swallow any displease that my grammar or vocabularies cause to you, that part I am still a student.

Eyes unclouded

2006-08-28T23:19:00.000-07:00

The viewing element is so clouded, my viewing, clouded by material too naked to be caught by the eye. Ironic or hypocrite, you better off judging.
Second time attempt in expressing my feeling through abstract writing, I want this, I need this.
My tiredsome fingers keep pressing on the buttons, pushing them non-remorsefully.
I once thought that only event outside one body is unable to control. Inside it, just the same.
Nothing will conclude like what you had pray to divinity for.
Do Not be mistaken for this is no poem, and I am no poet, I lived too dull a life to be one, a precisely good one. I tiredlessly tried, knowing I will lose out more.
I need to elucidate my self clearly, i need to eradicate the dragon lair in my mind thoroughly.
I have an ego to preserve. I have too much of items to lose whenever I had a cut on the skin of my finger tips. I don't need my mom anymore to kiss on the wounds. I had grown since the last time I seen her.
If only I could sound happier, then only could I have potray my true feeling to whoever that read this, I doubt people will get me. But I will push on and continue moving my finger. I am queer to your eyes. Don't tell my dad what you don't know.
Thought suddenly lost, in time, in space, in place, whatever the reason, the verdict say i cannot finds it.
O, I remember! boredom kills all.
Another fact to be discuss about, the very potent of a variable gold. But my mood leaves when i had receive the phone call. Now i am back to my numbness.... and what can i say more. I am going off and dozing off to my own demise.

People grow and loser prowl.

2006-08-28T00:15:00.000-07:00

son makeMoving back and forth, around and round for far too long. Time to wake up and smell the haze or reality for that matter. The bloody tree doesn't wait for me to grow, the bloody day doesn't wait for me to get old.
I loath keeping score, but mind is so much so differs from conciousness. If there is a rope, I would hang on to it, when the floor collapse, I will still hang on. Till the moment when my muscle cannot refrain the urge to quarrel with falling.
My spirit will live on, some will mourn. Most will ignore going back to their own great life. Happily fighting their own war, winning them conquering mountains.
When I will be mention, from time to time till the end of time, I am not great but I had lived.
But do not be deceit, for I am not at all dead. Do not be fool, by the star blinking at you far away, luring you to its trap. It's never ending. This story is never ending.
I am neither despair nor tired nor fustrated, I just hope people will have a gleam taste of my eccentricity, and thus being closer to me. Closer to my feeling element, my beat box in the centre.
Tumor in the brain or in the heart is the same. Its curable, but painful. Becareful for one can be drain deeply into the vacuum.
I may not make senses to you, but to me I am very fine.
Now I will go drown myself and resurrect and then redrown myself to resurrect, and to you it will be call swimming.

Dude, where my car?

2006-08-24T09:28:00.000-07:00

Today, I lost my car, the car which served me well for the pass 2 years, the car which was filled with memories, the car which i put so much hope and dream in, the car which i fought so hard with my dad for it, the car which I hit someone with, the car I drift with, the car which i truly enjoy and love driving, the car I which I once thought I could drive forever....

And I am heartbreaking. I had simply gotten to attached to my car.

Horoscope says I will have a minor win today, guess that just proven that prediction is just an action of fiction. Or did it get it right?, cause i did had a minor win, my check up in the hospital today say I don't need surgery(-for the time being at least).
But losing car, is a great MAJOR LOSS that this minor win, seems really minor.
I know what happen had happen and I am not a person who usually cries over spilled milk. Atleast not this time.
My raging teen years is over, when it first hit me with the fact that I had lost my beloved bloody car, my first impression isn't anger, nor fustration, it is tired, and despair. I am tired with this dumb thing that is always happening to me. I really had no one to blame except myself.

....

Or maybe I should take it as a hint that i shouldn't be staying in Malaysia any longer and move on to NZ, where i will once again reunite with my blood brother and help out with his little restaurant business, and thus i could start a new life, run away from trouble like I always did.

Right now, I have this self image of myself as a "drama king". I want people to sympathise me, I want people to take notice of me over the many "cute" incident that happen upon me. Baby wants attention!!...baby hits me one more time!!!

Too dumbfound to continue writing properly... all is not lost though, cause I am going to buy lottery on my car number plate this Saturday and optimistically thinking that will win me back some consolation for my lost.(anyway my car is insured under "first party" so i can get back 80% of the registered 8k)
I don't really care so much about the compensation really, its just that because "hope" is just to comforting to cling on with. And "despair" is so hard to get rid of.

I've got nothing t say now....so

trallalalla-a sad song-bye.

Some jest is said in truth.

2006-08-05T11:14:00.000-07:00

Whatever...it's 3am in the morning and my brain is in the state of "sleepless high" so what i write now may not make much sense.

I am actually very fine, maybe what I have is only some really bad gases thats all.
Optismistic thinking, all that is needed to be done is that I fart a few times and everything's allright.
What if i tell people who read my blog, that they had been "punked" and what I say here is just some "pratical" joke, i wonder what will happen? Nope, I hope what I have right now is real, cause deep down in me, I am still a baby and baby need love.

Anyway my entire family tree is feeding me porridge right now, lucky thing porridge is one of my favourite food, so eating that daily doesn't seems to be any problem. My sister thinks i lost weight, but I think it's all in her mind, she just can't get over the fact that my mum spend like rm1000 on health products and the result is not here. I am always on the side of "health product company is a con" so when my sis "ask" me to take the health products, I literally fought with her, but I guess her will is too strong so I succumb and now I am "happily" taking those little green pills(ofcos there is the oxygen water, lactose-s, vitamin this, vitamin that etc).

nothing much happen to me, it's just eat, sleep and shit, thats all. I THINK I will pick up Xi Gong soon, and using the energy around us cure myself, then start a cult, name it "Sam Sok Gong" and have many follower, meditated in center of federal highway to gain my clan some popularity, then have my members give me membership fees and with that money buy weapon from US, use those weapon invade other country be a KING in "Sam Sok Land", get married and die happily... Maybe thats my true calling...

I guess I really gotta sleep now, if not my shit will continue to spill from this overloaded bucket ...

My prayer got answer.

2006-07-31T22:16:00.000-07:00

After one whole blissful sleeping night, I went to the hospital for my abdomen ultrasound check up.
And after few hours(6 to be exact) of frustrating waiting and walking around like a fool, the results finally arrive. I have GB PYLOB.
It's nothing really critical, and most probably isn't life threatening at all. But it needs surgery nonetheless. My Bladder aka Gut need to be remove. Actually its not definite, it all depends on the growth of it within a month time. It will all be conclude in the next session of ultrasound.

Haihz... I am not all happy with what I got actually. I do confess that i did "pray" that something will happen upon me during this boring holiday season, but a health issue like this is something far from my wildest dream. And the worry face I got from everyone is just painful, very painful to look at.

Lots of thought that can't seems to convert it into words. so i will just end here, and hope... just hope and sleep. byebye.

Helpless little baby.

2006-07-30T08:17:00.000-07:00

Last night I was hospitalize... I just like the sound of it, though what i did at the hospital is just some minor check up and one injection shot, which i could most probably have done in any clinic.
Not really in the mood of blogging, just feel that I had to state it here so that if I really die; people who read my blog will know...anyway I am now at home, and I seems ok...dunno what will be of me after the ultrasound check tomorrow? Hope everything is ok.
TATA...for now.

It's just too familiar

2006-07-16T04:14:00.000-07:00

Another of my puny attempt in writing a poem with my SDN BHD vocabularies. So here goes.

It's just too familiar

The moment between the sun and the moon,
in a square room, white wall, closed door.
The window barred, the scenery scarred,
The curtain pulled, through the crack the light sigh.
It’s just too familiar.

The bed untouched since morning, unfold and cold.
The cupboard locked, clothes alone, all monotone.
The fan hanging, repeating the beating of the air
The wind flow, old, not fresh, without rest, howling;
It’s just too familiar.

The man sitting on the chair, without flare
The indulgent of self pity, so cozy, but displeased.
The despair, he is desolating, trap in it own snare,
of loneliness slowly losing his fondness for life.
Thinking. It’s just too familiar.

The product of a factory without the approval of SIRIM

2006-07-13T08:34:00.000-07:00

I was at college this morning for my college “graduation rehearsal”. And it appears to me that the more I stay in that place, the more that I detest that place.

Maybe I was greatly influence by others, the people who I met in the pass 2 months of my training, by their thoughts on how inappropriate limkokwing as a college is. Or maybe it’s from the bottom of my heart that I actually do find that place to be greatly a waste of time and not to mention money for my life experience.

You see, I had spent 3 years at that …place, and after these 3years, which could most probably be my most youthful years, I asked myself, what have I learned?

And I found myself digging deeply within myself and found nothing, nothing meaningful enough to state out. (Either from one or two great friends I make.)

Not a single damn worthwhile experience which I can yell it out arrogantly.

As a matter of fact I found myself to be a worse person in these 3 years of my live. College had not helped me one bit in both academically, and personally. All academically aspect of things I had learned I could have learned it myself. All my personal growth happened only by the help of myself.

I really can’t blame anyone for this actually; I used to be so extremely quiet, but yet there are no single “lecturer” or “mentor” which “brave” enough to assist me, maybe they couldn’t careless, maybe that’s what I am pissed about.

I hate the whole system of college “cronyism”, I must admit I am not a good student in the first place to hate this, but the whole “who talk loudest wins” idea angers me. Maybe they are actually teaching us how to speak up, or maybe they are just being busy with their own problem to care for me the quiet one.

I somehow feel that if I had been receiving enough adulation during my first few years in my college I could have been a better student. FUCK… now I sound as if I give a damn about the whole college idea. No I don’t, and once again I will like to prove to people that; I, Maxwell Chong would be a happier person without grades, without anything, one who is just “dare to fail”. (I must also admit I do envy them, a little maybe, for being able to articulate their thoughts and coherent their emotion so smoothly)

Shit now I dreamt of what could have happen if I didn’t went to college in the first place.

I know ,what I am feeling now is more then a “the grass is greener on the other side feeling”. But again do i really give a damn?

I remember I once told someone that the used of college are simply to put a smile on my parents face. I remember seeing photos of my elder siblings’ graduation, and I can’t deny how contented my parents look in all those photographs. I can feel that they are so very proud, so very happy, or maybe so very ignorant enough to compare them with other peoples’ child. Whatever it is, they do look happier than my siblings.

No, I don’t blame my parents for putting me in college; actually the idea of me going to college is wholly mine. I just blame myself, myself of not knowing a thing better before I purchase it. This is after all, the manifesto of my victimize story. (And I know nobody read a long entry, so I am safe)

An Interlude.

2006-07-05T07:00:00.000-07:00

English, English and more English, the reality of me having trouble with English is like a non-stopping rotating windmill place at the back of my mind, perhaps it’s because I was deeply penetrated by the bloody annotations by the non-bloody Adrian miller…”can’t write English”
I just can’t get that bloody sentence out of my mind. All my pride, hope and dreams of being a copywriter has just been swept away…maybe it’s true what “offspring” sang in one of their song, “the more it hurts the more it show you really care”. I will be happy if that’s true…
I am nothing more of a wannabe/charlatan copywriter. And right now, I am somewhat pissed with myself of the fact that I never pay sufficient attention at the time I was attending English lesson when I was younger. (Damn…retracting all the bad things that I had said about school)

College over, so is my APIP training, the things left now is my English, once I have that resolve, I will be ready to find a job.

Right now I am in the state of what I call an “Interlude”, which I usually have between semesters. But this time there is nothing to look forward to; I no longer have obligation, guidance or a pathway. I am on my own now, who I want to be, where I what to be, even how I want to be, will comes down to one fact of , what will I be doing.

Still in holiday mood though…have to wait till end of my college graduation only will I make my next move, until then…

The bumper car ride

2006-06-30T10:25:00.000-07:00

lost of word, speechless, stunted...
a feeling i had long forgotten, or maybe never encounter for a long time for that matter, melancholy, sombre, sad, i really can't write anything, yet i know i need to capture this very moment , the very feeling i am in now. not in the mood of writing or talking, just want to go to sleep and hope the sunshine of tomorrow will make me better.
my mind now is one big pile of crush white paper, not really making any sense to me even, just need to stay still and clear things up.
something in me had just died, i dunno what it is, but its certified, i wont ever get this feeling ever again...another part of me is being born, yet the death of the part, somehow overshadow the happy news, and i am only sad...very sad.

i know i am not making anysense right now, i don't want to make anysense, this is after all my blog and i like write what i write...

so good night and have a nice life...

Grateful Ending.

2006-06-27T09:42:00.000-07:00

The time has reach the end,
the moment I will feel pain,
the time full of sorrow,
the hour within I’ll burrow.

Things that had begun
always will have to fin
no matter how hard I hold
time still flew like an arrow.

its somehow rather insane
of the things that I had gained
so much that I had grow
so much I had been showed

I had really been tainted
your love spread like rain
my inside is no longer hollow,
at night I no longer feel cold.

You kept remind me of a saint
cause, I was once small as ant,
when you believe and you told
that I will eventually glow.

You throw out your hand;
whenever I fall, whenever I faint
your courage make me follow,
your leadership I will borrow.

There is no word I possibly can
to describe what I really mean,
words like "thank you" or "owe"
sound somewhat pretty shallow.

This journey we all in,
where we move on this lane,
now the train progress slow
and pretty soon we'll all go.

No matter how heartbreaking I am,
I will no longer feel vain,
cause one thing you had let me know,
is that’s “there is always tomorrow...”

Nothing much really, just a lame poem i wrote dedicate to people that had been with me for this pass eight and a half weeks, grammar maybe totally out, so please kindly ignore that.

11/07/06 editted abit and some grammar adjust...hopefully is more "political" correcti right now...

you win some you lose some

2006-06-18T11:43:00.000-07:00

I see this pic as bouncing up, what do you see?

"Great" chat with my trainer today, which makes me open up some lock door, which i closed for so long that ,I had actually forgotten it's locked in the first place.

Here you go,
my much anticipated fall, maybe being a pessimist i can't help but has long prophesied this damn fall, my only regret is I never really savour the very moment when i was at the peak of this trampoline jump. No doubt i will rebound.

I really can't say what has gotten into me, like what my trainer say, maybe i really hate getting my hands dirty, or maybe its the side effect of a lie you told yourself over and over for a thousand times.
I dunno, i want to spend time meditating on it, but that will probably makes me locking myself up in a dark room having life pass me by, ended up without any solution.
I sincerely lost count on how many times this has occured, it's like a routine, a mark I had schedule on the calendar, stating when will i eventually break down.

I need a break, a short one atleast, but taking a break now will further manifest that i am a runner a wuss, and a nobody eventually.

I HATE LOW TIMES!!!!

oh what to do, oh what to do.
(no i won't again break into another of my damn rap poem)

I guess now, what i have to do is just "psyching" myself, mentally fit to takes on whatever task i had to do. I really don't like making empty promises (psst...hope this is not one of them).
hmmm... still too much issue to be tackle, my brain is full of sentense and words right now, and i think i better put it to better use than blogging.

now i am off "psyching" myself, bye peeps.

I am insane!!!

2006-06-13T09:52:00.000-07:00

I mean really, sometimes i even freak myself out...
there is so MUCH things to get done, yet I am still happily enjoying life here.
somehow I believe that I work better under pressure, again maybe its just my laziness or my procrastinatiness (dun bother looking in the dictionary)...I dunno, i dun care anymore, like i used to say; die, die lar.

I like thinking about my pass... and I do spent lots of time thinking about them...yeap... it's true, my pass still haunts me, and i somehow like the feeling of being haunted!!
Yesterday was a good walk down at memory lane. Its like the longest walk I had in ages. (sorry for my metaphorical writing, leave if you hate what you read)

And I can't stop but keep thinking of myself in that damn Calsberg advertisement, seeing event in my life flashing through me while I was driving, only thing was I didn't drove to any award show, just driving back home.
speaking of which, Iused to believe that on judgement day, when God is judging me, all my life event will flash through me, like one long ass 70years (if i die at 70) worth of biographical material.
like the day i spent masturbating to the day I watched pornography ,will all be shown and i will feel extremely embarass about it before i am sentense to hell. Actually i still believe in this...

*BIG SIGH*

Still NO breakthrough yet, i will still be the damn anti-social bloke i always am,

living my boring life, hovering around like a nobody
looking up to people only to let my eyes burn by the sun.
hide in darkness, living on carcasses too afraid to be see
guilty for my sin, haul by my pass, denying all my fun
live alone, die alone, is my one greatest philosophy
blaming fate, blaming life, whatever... i am done.
this is me, my damn story, and i will be who i will be

i just like rhyming... maybe too much influnce by rap... laugh if you finds it funny, cry if you find its sad, i dun care... die die lar..

Dunno what to write.

2006-06-09T10:08:00.000-07:00

No inspiration to write anything at all.
My self doubt has come back!! Once again, I am asking myself am i meant for this.
Fate seems to has lead me to the opening and left me there. I am on my own again.
I hate routine. I felt what i do is fix... again... i felt the drag of working, again... i feel that what i do wouldn't make any difference to the world... again... i feel so small. again and again i feel this pain

I have been spending too much time fighting a battle, a war which so sure i will lose.
I hope. I don't care what i hope.
People seems to move so fast, how i run, how i chase , my pace will never catch up them
again my action are in vain.
Maybe dream is all along a dream, a dream which i would one day just wake up from.
maybe... maybe...i dunno, don't ask me to see what i can be.
i am even too lazy to think now, just feel like going to sleep and all worries will be gone. go back to my beautiful dream. dreaming about life all over again.

Journey.

2006-06-06T11:53:00.000-07:00

Exactly 20123 minutes more , and i will be unbind from all my college and 95% worries ...

ok! i made that time up.

Thanks to all my assignment from college and my training , I am feeling very uptight right now.
Too many things to do and don't know where to start. Too lazy to start actually.
I think is just my laziness trying to "protect" me by making me extremely sleepy this few days. I have been spending way too much time thinking about my assignment but not doing anything.

ok assignment aside (I have already shed some of my worries here, so i should enjoy a momentary serenity while I am blogging)

As usual training in 95% makes me notice a thing or two about myself. The brightest highlight of what i learned in the pass week is : "I speak without emotion".
To tell the truth i can distinctly differentiate between an emotional speech with an unemotional speech. And I believe that i could actually fake to be one hell of an emotional speaker.(maybe i can't, i can't really judge myself) Is like what people say, "fake it till you make it"
but somehow if i do that i would probably just hate myself even more...

Right now i am just like a fucking small boy testing the fucking water in the pool. Maybe all i need is one hell of a fucking push and then only will i know whether I learn to fucking swim or drown.
and i don't even know why i am ranting about.

Its pretty late now,. Gotta go get some sleep..... no energy... no power... nooooooo...(shut down)

Top of the world.

2006-05-24T08:12:00.000-07:00

WOOHOOO
I know, I know, whats goes up will come down.
But I can't just deny my emotion and go to sleep. Not anymore!!!

I am having a writer block right now. I can't really write while being concious about my bloody grammar.
And my grammar teacher isn't doing a splendid job either.
Let me just whine here a little;
What i think about him is this, first he has no real intention of teaching me english. He is boring and he has no fucking idea on what my level of english is.
OK before i go too far, let me just explain. I thought private tuition is something 1 to 1 where the teacher will understand the student very well.
Furthermore the reason I go for this private tuition isn't because " I want to score A for something" but i seriously wants to LEARN ENGLISH. And I am not being force by mum, I want it myself. So don't teach me like a 15years old.
Even if i confronted him and tell him, "ok you can move faster now, I already know that", he will keep talking.
If I were to buy a grammar book, read it everyday. I would learn more.
And I actually can buy 2 grammar books using the money I pay for each lesson. (1 hour is rm 35 and 1week 2 hours.)
I bet half of you doesn't know what i am yapping about, bottomline is I will change the teacher.

OK back to my boring life story. Shit, after talking about my English teacher, half of my "top of the world feeling" has gone.
So what would i like talking about today. Dreams. What about dream?
I was looking back this few days and discover something. Well nothing of a big discovery really.
Just that I notice that I can dream... once again, hoping, wishing, thinking of things again!
I can't mortally put it in langguage but the feeling is JUST GREAT.
As a matter of fact its too great which it actually makes me sad.

Ok another block here. I will just conclude this post with one quote(either i read it somewhere before or it actually comes out from me)

"If you can't dream, you are dead."

cheers people.

Real Feel

2006-05-17T14:19:00.000-07:00

I woke up at 5a.m. today and i couldn't sleep. So I thought about this poem, well it can't really be considered a real poem, I only spend like 10minutes writing it. But it is what i am feeling right now.

So here goes.

I have been rhyming without feeling
With emotion just like a damn stone
Being kick, being flick, and it makes me sick
I want to vomit, but somehow couldn't do it

Then a tear drip, my suppression tore
wanting to cry, wanting to feel sore
not again that I will ignore the pain
I feel real and I do feel...

p.s. shit now i feel lame, and shame playing this stupid game.

Things to do.

2006-05-15T06:23:00.000-07:00

Ok, i am not going to bore you with my to do list.
I notice alot of things/promises in my "current" life that I actually left out, or never did, even ignored. Those petty promises, from returning a modem to going home for dinner.
As i said in my previous post, there was a time when i was trying hard to kiss other's asses, therefore i will remember every single, no matter how small promises i made and go on fulfilling it.
Now i just lets things be. Yeah, i am being fucking irresponsible here, is like blaming "someone"(myself) of me not doing something.
I am really curious is there a link or not?

Shit now I don't even know where am i already, another things i learn this few days which i would like to share is, "write with your heart not with your brain"
emotion comes from heart and not from brain. And nothing is authentic from your brain, your brain is one big mutha fucking plate of spagetthi mee, that you just wish you dun have.
Now i am making no sense no more, just heaps and heaps of emotion rushing to be seen, to be surface.

emotion : not pissed now, but not fluffy either. confused, still living in near pass.

tralllalalalla, i just feel like writing that, now i am jealous of "mental retarded" people who dun have to give a fuck to the world.
dun get me wrong here i am being authentically "JEALOUS" of them, not some mofo who thinks i am being sacarstic or pretentious to get into someone's pants.
i really have no fucking idea what i am saying write now, is like eminem free styling in some phone booth, only thing my phone booth is just something glowing staring back at me, peace y'all

cheers.

The man in the smiling mask.

2006-05-14T06:41:00.000-07:00

Someone just got on my nerve. Some "oversea" fren of mine. If you are reading this you will know who you are. Yeah I believe you won't come and read my blog, like I promised myself not to go visit Xenos's blog, but i go everyday. (and if you are feeling defensive about what i just said, come kill me...hahahaha... i am fucking serious.)

Ok enough of that guy.
What I learn in 95% today is that I have no emotion. I dunno about you guys but i have always wanted to be emo. I tried many other way, manupulative's one, and it just got me no where.
Today was one breakthrough for me,and i can still fucking feel. Not a stone no more. I can still be piss, angry, happy(authentically) and sad.
Is like some emotion revisit theraphy just happen today.
Since i am trying to be responsible here, i won't disclose what i did in training today. Just talk about the outcome.
I felt lighter, happier(authentically) and with more emotion now. WOOHOO :|) .
And now that i am clearer on who i am, i will make a promise with myself now, " from this moment on, those who make me pissed, will have a nice sounding from me". NO MORE Mr. Niceguys. Cause I just threw away my smiling mask.

I think that dude I was refering to earlier just tried first hand. Though its IM, i still flame.
I have no more shame, and i no longer blame, cause i am mcass the lame...lol...bye people.

Mr. ANALytical

2006-05-13T09:02:00.000-07:00

yeah that's me alright.
I remember there was once in my life, where i could just fucking say what i say , think what i think and do what do.
Now everything that come out of me have to pass through my fucking censoring mind.
Did a "psychology test" in my training today, come out, i am a Mr. Analytical. In all ways i am Mr. Analytical and I got no problem being it that circle, but sometimes, somehow my analyticalness, just make me a Mr. Anal.
Was browsing one of my fellow trainee's blog http://www.wongpk.com and his blog just makes me laugh and laugh, its nothing that funny really, nor its anyway new or original(ok maybe its original), but what he wrote in his blog is so fucking real and authentic, unlike me who is still so fucking confuse with who the fuck i want to become.
SHIT, Got to spend time push my pillow up and think about life again.
cheers people.

Emotion - Pissed

2006-05-11T02:18:00.000-07:00

One of my most hated emotion, but still its one of my truest emotion.
I have always believe myself to be a mild mannered gentleman who won't get pissed even if someone curses my whole family(high EQ). You see, i had always believe that grundge are for wuss and to be a real man, one have to developes a character of fast forgiving.

And furthermore when you are really pissed with someone , you have to spend energy on it, and I hate spending energy on people(fuckers) who doesn't concern me.

Let me ellaborate a bit, there are two group of person whom I can get pissed with, one is my real homie, the other is someone whom I doesn't have much connectivity, or those who simply get on your nerve. A good example will be "Mat Rempit".
For me whenever I am pissed with my real homie, It's probably because I wants them to understand me , or simply because I think they should do what is best for them(in my own opinion even if its not).
The other group are those who simply irritates you. Trying to act superior, trying to be smartass, those abhorrent being or what i called those whom existents are without any purposes, in other words ; those loser around us.

Today I just had a quarrel with one of the second type.

Even his name suggest "loser", just try typing 56737 in your h/p. His name is I wish to keep anomynous. ( i believe keep one fine line, next time nice time [chinese proverb])

Ok now, I won't waste more time thinking, discussing, wasting energy on that fucker no more.
This is my blog so its gotta be about me.
What I learn from being pissed today is this, I still have my own stand/bottomline, or better put, I will still get pissed.
There is a time in my life when I was trying hard to please everyone, somehow i did manage to pleases many people, but not myself. When ever others make me pissed, I will simply withdrawn into my own puiny world and put the anger to myself. It somehow makes me more withdrawn and pissed by not actually pouring out your emotion. It's like a baby who wants something but simply doesn't know how to express his feeling. Pretty helpless. But thats a long time ago.
Pissing off today also make me noticing something on my physical side. When I am pissed I will be breathless and I am in a dimension of losing words. I still can't throughly in a calm pissed emotion pour my thoughts out. Frankly It's a rather funny situation to be in, cause I keep relate myself with Don Vito (viva la bam)... lol
ok, up till now i am pissed no more, like i said earlier to be manly one have to forgive easily, but never forget. Writing blog somehow let me transfer my emotion else where, so i dun have to think of that fucker no more.
Shit didn't i promise myself not to be so negative. Sigh, i think its ok, cause i was full of shit anyway... hahaha cheers...

Personality.

2006-05-09T09:36:00.000-07:00

Each of us are unique in our own ways. And according to Sigmund Freud "Character is destiny". Agree? ,disagree?.
So lets take a moment here and think about each of our own personality aka character.
I see myself as an introvert, a doubtful guy and passionless person (sorry for being so negative)
So what destiny beholds me?
Pass week training I had received some pretty bizarre and strong feedback. One of them was when the trainer ( the strict one) said I am like a"teddy bear". Then the other trainer(the kind one) explains that there are people my size who afraid that their strenght could somehow hurt others will find ways to supress their power. And if I am that type of people all I gotta do is to find ways to bring out that particular power in me, and wahlar I will achieve great things.
Truthfully I think I ain't that type. I am just downright shy. Fear. Doubt.Insecure. but definitely not suppressing my power.
No doubt others could say that I just throw away my insecurities, have no doubt, speak my mind and I will be who I always wants to be.
Maybe is because of my inconfidence, or my self limitation, I see that this isn't as easy as it seems. Is like an old saying "you can take a tiger out of the jungle, but not the jungle out of the tiger".
I believe that "characters" is something which needs time to evolve. Not something which you can just wake up into. Maybe let me put it this way, it's good if someone are born with certain positive characteristic, but its even better if someone without it actually implant the positive character into themselves, because only through hardship can a man build his own character.

Shit, i am sick of talking shit. And in case you are somehow lost about what I am saying please refer to the title of this blog page.
I am going to sleep, so wish me luck on character searching. Or wishfully thinking I could wake up into a manly man tomolo and save all the energy I am about to put into this area of my life.
peace out... cheers.

Bull One (Ngau Yat)

2006-05-07T09:43:00.000-07:00

lol it's my b'day... and i lost my wallet, how fuck up can a b'day be. Good side is I can take new pic for my IC, license etc. Bad side, too much to think.
Somehow I still have the feeling that my wallet is somewhere at my house, or in my car. I don't know, maybe is my undying hope or maybe is my insanity.
I never celebrate my b'day today in any sort of way(except from one or two b'day wishes i got from frens and family). It's my 21st and to the eyes of many it might be a big step in life.
The truth is I hate b'day celebration, I hate to be in the center of attention. I hate when people gather for my course. Call me antisocial, call me lifeless, call me whatever you like.

-Interesting fact: Do you know that Jehovah Witnesses doesn't celebrate their b'day?-

I am no Jehovahian, and this post isn't about them. This post is about me, on how I pass my 21st b'day.
I was watching some "how to become A MAN" program and I got hold of this following idea.
"The boy must die inorder for the man to live".
I give an example. In some culture (polish i think) when a boy reaches puberty, he has to pass(squeeze) through a splited tree trunk to symbolise that he has "reborn" into a man.
I think psychologically this will influnces that boy telling he ain't a boy no more, and thus starts acting like a man. Still with me?

I somehow feel that I simply isn't man enough. You know? those "i can feel your presence once you walk in type" as a matter of fact I am no way near being it.
To tell truth that's what I am yearning to be one day. Yet I am close to doing nothing trying to achieve that mindset.
Fuck it, we all will go through that "passage" sooner or later. No use trying to rush things my way.
hmm...Maybe I should put it this way, "I will start crossing my own split tree now, and who knows when will i finish crossing it". B'day is a good days to think about life, btw.
Got to go sleep now, bye.

p.s. things that i didnt do this b'day
-Get a copy of Malay Mail and read "born today"
-Drink alcohol beverages till i pass out
-Have sex
-Squeeze through a split tree trunk.

Who am I?

2006-05-06T07:35:00.000-07:00

I don't bloody know what title to give my post today. I should stop my negativitism. (quit putting title like piss, fuck, shit etc)
But i do feel negatively today. In a way it is a nice negative feeling. In a way it makes me know me more.
Who am I actually? Atleast who do I think I am?
(I am feeling difficult to answer this even before starting)
I keep giving myself excuse on who I can't be, what i can't achieve, what shitty insecurity i had.
But today my trainer gave me a "sentence" which actually whip off all excuses I have to myself, excuses I have to not break my own personal barrier from achieving my goals. Excuses I know that I had always given to myself to escape reality.
She said:

If you think that who you are, is who you will always be... then there will be no hope in this world anymore.

No doubt my training is forcing me notice things that i had always purposely neglect, thinking that I can get away with it and get on with life ( hoping to be succesful).
I am really feeling the difficulty of breaking my own barrier. I am in a state of "tightness" that I haven't felt since my first day of college. I couldn't sleep much, worried about things i used to worried. (good side is I still give a shit on what i do)
Suddenly I am not proud of my highest achievement no more. What is my highest achievement.
When i was first asked the question by my trainer, I told her is that i quit smoking. Now think about it, quit smoking is just a puiny achievement compare with what I CAN do.
Maybe it is childish to say that I am growing up, but I am. Making mistake, falling down( i "pokai" literally today) being ridicule etc etc.
I had always thought I was pretty mature in my age. Even joke to my fren that I am a 40years old trap inside a 21 years old. Now i think I am just a 15 years old in a 21 years old. So lets all see whether can I grow back to 21 in a mere 8weeks training.

I should end this right now. So whoever you are reading my blog. Enjoy growing up.
Especially to my homie across the continent, being in shitty situation builds characters. Cheers.

And happy birthday to me!

The Mango Tree

2006-05-03T10:41:00.000-07:00

Ok i got this "idea" from someone's blog. My trainer in 95% and she said;

"Would a mango tree still bear mangoes if there was no one around to eat them?

Of course it would!"

The point here is whether people reads my blog or not isn't important, whats important is i like writing. So do what you like, like what you do, at the end of the day we are all individual.

Talking bout mango tree, its fruits are meant to be eaten by animals to spread their "genes"(reproduce) , so it will be a bonus if someone does read my blog and comment about things their view. And only through try and failure can a tree evolve.

WELCOME

2006-05-03T10:05:00.000-07:00

Omg not another blog, what the fuck is wrong with me 4 blogs and still counting...i guess i really do like cock talking (or cock writing)
So what will i title/theme this blog?? I have got my "things reviewing" blog, car blog, car team's blog, emo blog, what else can i possibly starts again?..

I believe that each step that I took in life, I will have something to say, something different, something when i am old and look back will give myself a clearer picture of who i really am.
speaking of who i am, i forgot to officially introduce myself. My "pen name" is Mcass 21years of age live in Malaysia and is still studying. Thats pretty much the physical of me...

Ok so be it. My 21 years of age blog, my young adult blog, my full of hope, enthuastism, optimistical blog. The blog which i will try to pour out my true emotions using my limited vocabularies

So once again welcome...